Pages

Monday, March 14, 2011

Over the Hill



We know we're getting old when the only thing we want for our birthday is not to be reminded of it.


I turned 40 on Saturday. I don't feel much different except for I now qualify for the life insurance that I keep seeing on the commercials. The day began fairly simple, homemade biscuits and gravy for dinner, and then I basically lounged for much of the day. Feeling perfectly content in my jammies and cuddled with my blanket, I was interrupted in the afternoon and asked if I wanted to go out to dinner. I did not really want to go, as I was content in my spot, but figured it would do my "old" bones some good to get out. After receiving the usual phone calls from loved ones wishing me a good day, I expected to go to dinner then come home back to my jammies and TV. Feeling rushed I finally got ready to go (keep in mind I am still with a walker and/or cane so nothing happens too quickly). We went to the usual place for dinner Mazatlan, I wanted to change the venue as I was not feeling Mexican that evening, but I was told that Lyle's parents were already there waiting to have dinner with us. Walking in I was told that we have a table in the back, of course we do, me and my cane would just love to hobble to the back of the restaurant. When I finally got there I was pleasantly surprised to see most my friends all there for a surprise party! It was great seeing everyone, but I think I was happiest to see my special friend "Robert" there to celebrate my birthday with me. Now I am not the type of person who likes attention drawn to me at all, but it was very nice to see everyone, and therefore I figured for one night I could let me guard down a bit. Although it was slightly uncomfortable it was worth it. I had a great dinner with my friends, and of course I had the privilege to wear the sombrero and everyone sang Happy Birthday to Panchita. After dinner we moved the party to Timbers (a local drinking hole) for more drinks and fun. While the ladies played pool and drank their share (and mine) of alcohol, the men sat around the table drinking beer, people watching and making fun of those who deserved it. I quietly sat and drank water the whole evening. I did not want to drink, and thought it may be best anyways since I am on medication and can barely walk as it is. I had a good time watching everyone and spending time with them. Although it is not nearly as fun being around those who are drinking when you are not drinking as well. As 10:00 rolled around I was more than ready to go home, stiff and sore from sitting, I wanted to get back in my jammies and enjoy the final hours of my birthday in my comfy spot. Thank you to all who participated in my birthday I had a great time!

Thursday, March 3, 2011

17 Years...

"A Thousand Words Can't Bring You Back,
I Know Because I Tried
And Neither Can a Million Tears
I Know Because I Cried."



Yesterday was the 17-year anniversary for the date that my youngest daughter died. I have such mixed feelings. It is hard to explain. I woke up yesterday knowing it was March 2nd and feeling like there was something I was forgetting but for the life of me could not remember what it was. With so many doctor appointments and issues with my health, I have been overwhelmed with what is going on in the real world. So while having lunch I went on Facebook on my phone and came across a post that my older daughter had posted about it being the anniversary of the death of her sister... I was immediately upset. First because of the memories it suddenly brought back but more so because I have been so busy in my own issues that I had forgotten what the day was and what it meant to me. I was only reminded by reading it online by my daughter. I felt suddenly like a horrible mother, how could I go on with my daily life like nothing was going on, on such an important day in my life. I immediately went out to the cemetery flowers in hand to visit. While there I almost felt like I had to apologize to her that I forgot about her. It was a horrible feeling. After reflecting last night about my day I have come to the conclusion, that although I will never forget and I have my dark times still, maybe the fact that I allowed myself to live my normal life yesterday without immediately remembering Rosanna is a sign that I am healing finally after 17 years. I am sure that I would have remembered... eventually as the day progressed, however I wish I would have remembered on my own rather than through the internet. It makes me feel good however to know that my baby angel made an impact in my surviving children’s lives and that she will forever be in their hearts as well. I know my baby girl is watching over me daily and even though my heart breaks she is always with me. Rest in Peace my sweet Angel.